Writers group.Writer’s group.

Depending on punctuation it could be a sentence or a description.I’ve joined, and it’s both.I was invited by my friend Valerie Du Monceau, now there’s a good name for a writer if ever there was one.

What was it like?

If I’m really honest it was a tad intimidating but then that’s sort of good for the creative juices.We all sit down a very pleasant room over a bar in Cheltenham and after having been given a subject we then have about an hours to write our ‘piece’, then after a short break to get some dutch courage from the bar we read out our bit. I have to say that the quality and quantity that some people seemed able to produce was utterly amazing. I thought that some of them must have had ‘here’s one a made earlier’ cooked up somewhere. Not only that but the difference in the pieces was also striking to say the least. Some where poetic, others sci-fi, moving prose and some considerable humour amongst all of them.

I’m hoping to persuade some of them to publish their offerings on my other site http://www.unknownitems.com in due course. They deserve to be read by more than just a few like minds over a bar on a rainy Thursday.

I’m looking forward to the next meeting, words await.pen.jpg


Bank Manager

The letter was from the Wold Newton and Yangtze Kiang Ship Canal Penny Bank, signed by Nicci Gristhorpe, Valued Client Liaison Supervisor (Non Internet). It said:

We are delighted to offer you, Valued Client, our new Platinum Card plus Gold Cards for all your relatives (minimum age two years), and a personal loan facility of £50,000 for any purpose. Projects thus funded for other Valued Clients recently have included a wasp farm, the restoration of a complete set of four early Victorian wooden legs, and an armed uprising in the Dutch Antilles. Call your Personal Banker today. 

Meanwhile, let me take this opportunity of informing you of our restructured range of Valued Client Service Furnishments. Overdrafts – 2% above base rate, compounded daily. Writing letters to offer overdrafts – £50. Responding to requests for overdrafts – £50. Confirming overdrafts by letter – £50. Writing letters to apologise for one of our Habitual Patron Prudence Deliberators mentioning your overdraft in public in a loud voice – £50. Additional charges – £25. Supplementary charges – £12.50. Other maintenance and referral charges – £50.

With the letter scrunched up in his hand, the recipient set off for his branch, expecting to see his bank manager and old friend, Mr Hubert Duvet. Imagine his chagrin when he was greeted, not by Duvet of the black jacket and striped trousers but by a forceful young woman in clunky shoes, a short-skirted pale blue suit and a tight, white, low cut T-shirt. She said “Welcome to the WNYKSCPB? I am your Personal Banker? And you are?”

“I want to see Duvet!” he cried. “He knows who I am. See, that’s my name, on my leather Wold Newton cheque book cover that they gave me thirty years ago, there, in gold blocking, Godfrey Horsforth.”

“Godfrey, Mr Duvet has gone?” said the young woman, not noting the wince her familiarity engendered. “He’s taken early retirement? We are the masters now?”

She showed him to a chair and sat at her desk in the middle of the mauve-carpeted open plan arrangement which had replaced the oak-doored offices since his last visit. “I’d like to explain our continuous review policy of service improvement?” said the WNYKSCPB/PB. “We are making a number of positive pre-adjustments to secondary fiscalate inputs on an on-going basis in order to ensure maximum capability of meeting customer needs?”

Mr Horsforth stood, went to the counter and made arrangements to transfer his all to the Filey Fishermen’s Friendly Society.

It is probable, scientists believe, that a variety of Bank Manager was Small Provincial Town Stockbroker, distinguishing mark being the surname followed by ‘& Co’ engraved on the office window. Owing to extinction, this belief is now impossible to prove either way.


Another gem from Mr Thorburn http://www.gordonthorburn.co.uk who writes this stuff and leaves me to do the drawing.

mp coverforwebI did say that these would cease soon but the New Year has got off to an odd start and this one should not be missed.

Here is the Portuguese translation for all our fans in Brazil, apologies for this but I’m using one of those on-line translations and Mr Thorburn’s nuances may well get lost in there:


Gestor de conta bancária
a carta era do Wold Newton e Yangtze Kiang navio Canal Penny Bank, assinada por Nicci Gristhorpe, nossos valiosos clientes ligação o Supervisor (sem Internet). Ele disse:
é com prazer que oferecemos a você, estimado cliente, nosso novo Platinum Cartão plus Gold Cards para todos os seus familiares (idade mínima dois anos), e um empréstimo pessoal fábrica de £50.000 para qualquer finalidade. Assim, os projectos financiados por outros valiosos clientes recentemente ter incluído uma vespa quinta, a restauração de um conjunto completo de quatro Vitoriana precoce perna de pau, e um levantamento armado no Antilhas Holandesas. Chame o seu banqueiro pessoal hoje.
Entretanto, permitam-me aproveitar esta oportunidade de informar-lhe a nossa gama de reestruturado nossos valiosos clientes Service Furnishments. Os descobertos bancários – 2% acima taxa de base, composta diariamente. Escrever cartas para oferecer descobertos – £50. Respondendo a solicitações para os descobertos – £50. Confirmando os descobertos por carta – £50. Escrever cartas a pedir desculpas para um dos nossos habituais Patrono prudência Deliberators mencionando o seu cheque especial em público em alta voz – £50. Encargos adicionais – £25. Encargos suplementares – £12,50. Outra manutenção e envio encargos – £50.
Com a carta semi-cerrados em sua mão, o destinatário para o seu ramo, à espera de ver o seu gestor de conta bancária e velho amigo, Hubert edredão. Imagine o seu desgosto quando foi saudado, não pelo edredão da camisa preta e calças às riscas mas por um vigoroso jovem em sapatos pesados, um curto-saia azul pálido e um apertado, branco, corte baixo T-shirt. Ela disse “Bem-vindo ao WNYKSCPB? Eu sou seu Personal Banker? E você?”
“Eu quero ver edredon!” ele gritou. “Ele sabe quem eu sou. Veja, esse é o meu nome, no meu couro Wold Newton verificar capa do livro que me deram há trinta anos, não há, em ouro bloqueando, Godfrey Horsforth.”
“Godfrey, Senhor edredão passou?” disse o jovem, não notando o arrepiante familiaridade engendra. “Ele está em situação de reforma antecipada? Nós somos os mestres agora?”
Ela mostrou-lhe a uma cadeira e sentou-se em sua mesa no meio da malva-piso alcatifado arranjo plano aberto que tinha substituído o carvalho-doored escritórios desde a sua última visita. “Eu gostaria de explicar a nossa política de revisão contínua melhoria do serviço?, disse o WNYKSCPB/PB. “Estamos fazendo uma série de pré-ajustes para o secundário fiscalate entradas em uma base contínua, a fim de garantir a máxima capacidade de atender às necessidades do seu cliente?”
O Senhor Horsforth pôs-se em pé, fui para o balcão e tomou as providências para transferir todo o seu esforço a esta simpática do Filey pescadores Sociedade.
É provável, os cientistas acreditam que uma variedade de Gestor de conta bancária foi Vila Provincial Corretora, marca distintiva é o apelido seguido por ‘& Co”, gravada na janela do escritório. Devido à extinção, essa crença é agora impossível de provar de qualquer forma.