With the end of the WWC , Women’s World Cup, we are released from the yoke of the footballer commentator, thank goodness. The women who tell us what’s going on in front of us on the screen have been much better than their male counterparts. One such male seemed to have over cooked his homework and research so much that as nothing much was going on on the field he started droning on about how one of the girls mothers in law was married to a former player from Port Vale who once played against Jimmy Greaves or some such drivel.

The women commentators were thankfully not quite as silly, but you could be forgiven for thinking that they had carefully rehearsed the odd phrase here and there, as they were a touch groan inducing. I’m sure they had a hat full of phrases ready for when England might have lifted the trophy, so let’s be thankful for small mercies.

No. Let’s not. I could have borne the cliches if they’d won.

I was imagining after a particular match when aforementioned cliche factory and research freak was wittering away at a previous match what it would have been like if he’d covered the recent fine art fixture between Italian Rens ( Italian renaissance artists ) and French Imps ( Impressionists ). The match played out in front of thousands at the Stade Louvre, a home fixture for the Imps.

Here’s a brief clip:

“Welcome to Stade Louvre for this fascinating fixture, these teams have never played each other before and will be lining up in a 4,3,3 formation. Most people have heard of Leonardo but did you know his brother once played for Bolton Wanderers back when they were in the Premier League, and it’s said his cousin is a dab hand at cooking the pasta. His signature dish being spaghetti vongole, which we all now know was first made from boiled durum wheat by an old goalkeeper. Vongole.

Meanwhile on the Imps side we are not clear yet if their recent Dutch signing Van Goch will be playing, he’s had a bit of an ear infection, which might rule him out, but their front line of Manet and Monet, together with young Picasso, a recent Spanish import is bound to impress. Then there’s Rousseau, the guy who made the headlines with a spot of customs issues the other week. Their manager appears to have it all under control, and has stuck with Cezanne in the middle to give them some solid ground.

Goalkeeper Lautrec is a surprise inclusion given his less than commanding height but he has made some memorable moments when not out clubbing. They are relying on him not to lose…”

Boom! Boom!