Not something I say to other people, much, but something I’m forever saying to myself. A recent trip for an appointment at the local hospital a clear case in point. Walking into a ‘waiting room’ with miserable people all around on chairs, spread out around the room and my aim to get through the area to the other side where I was expected. All eyes on me I think. “Morning everybody” I blurt out as if I’m the chief medical officer welcoming them all to the opening of a new clinic, but they all know from my dress and demeanour that I’m just another patient. I could almost hear the comments in half of their minds: “What’s he so bloody cheerful about?”, whilst the other half are thinking: ” He must be looking for the psychiatric department”. I strode through purposefully emerging at the other side saying to myself out loud ” What the hell did you say that for? Stop it, just stop it!”

It’s the silence you see.

I’m not good at dealing with silence. The silence of people on a tube train in London used to give me the creeps, and if I’d partaken of an evenings beer or two I’d purposely talk to the entire carriage, well I did it once. Hardly anyone took the slightest notice of me thinking rightly that I’d had ‘too much’. I’ve even done it at funerals when everyone is sitting around contemplating the event afterwards in respectful silence, I’m the one who pipes up: “Well that seemed to go alright”, even when it hadn’t. I recall the once saying this and a good friend answered: “No, it was bloody awful Paul”, which I know it was. That shut me up for some time to the relief of all around me, and me.

So why am I rabbiting on about it now?

Well, perhaps this is an apology, and an attempt to moderate my language, and not feel the need to speak when there’s a gap. Mind the gap?

I’ll shut up now.

Here’s a book that I collaborated on with the writer of that bestselling tome: Men and Sheds. Gordon was a copywriter who I worked with in the 70s advertising days, and who later on went into writing books, his biggest success being the small but perfectly formed ‘Sheds’ book.

Our book was self published and thanks to some very hard work did moderately well. I was able to revive it recently and it’s now available on Amazon. Originally called ‘Missing Persons’, a title that these days has too many unfortunate links, I’ve renamed it: Spotted!

Someone recently said that she thought people might mistake it for a book about birds! With a cartoon on the cover that was originally for a campaign about fire safety I beg to differ.

Selected parts of the book have featured in the glossy aspirational pages of Cotswolds Life magazine which has yet to bring me the wealth necessary to purchase any of the houses featured in what I call their ‘Property Porn’ section. I hope Gordon would have approved.

It’s a tribute to the editor of the magazine that she features our work. One would expect her to be a horsey type of well bred gel from the Cotswolds and is in fact the delightful lead singer in a Goth Punk band. That aside I’m sure she’s very well bred.

Look out for the book here.