I’m not one for pre grated cheese, it’s one of those things that I would ban if I had the choice, and this is not just my opinion. The respected politicians for the Monster Raving Loony Party ( for you people outside the UK, there is indeed such a political party, and Such is the key word here, as it was founded by the late Screaming Lord Sutch, and he did exist ) One of the chief aims of the Party and stated in their manifesto was a promise to ban pre grated cheese of any kind in order to Make England Grate Again. Not my joke: theirs! I always like to borrow or repeat a good joke.

Apart from this joke, as they had with other matters this Party had opinions well in line with mine. I do think pre grated cheese should be outlawed, it’s a feeble way of supermarkets selling of chunks of cheese at a premium price. Grating cheese oneself is perfectly simple, it should be on the school curriculum.

I often rabbit on about leaf blowers, they too should be outlawed until they can invent one that doesn’t sound like a youth on a motorbike doing wheelies. Put it in the Manifesto. Anything else? Oh yes, loads.

The word super should be used properly. No one is super happy, least of all me when I hear such phrases. It grates like bits of cheese in a bag. what’s wrong with very? Nothing, but super is very wrong.

You might expect an old phart like me might start going on about modern technology, but no. I’m a fan and people of my age who do grumble all the time about technology really cheese me off. On line banking, much better than faffing around in a queue waiting to talk through glass to someone likely to be only half listening. In my dealings on a face to face way with banks they managed to kill me off some years ago. Closing down accounts and cancelling cards so that in their eyes I had shuffled off this mortal. This all down to what they called a ‘clerical error’, when they meant it was a person at the banks fault. So the manifesto will have a passage where old pharts are given a grant to learn how to use this stuff, as long as they embrace it.

Football shirts and logos, all football teams will now have to revert to having just the team badge, with no advertising at all on the front and back, all advertising will be confined to the shirt sleeve and no where else. Tidy.

Rugby: both codes. All teams will be required to revert to the name they originally used when they were first invented. No one will be called Warriors, Eagles, or Bulls, as this is all bull****. They too will be required to clear all advertising from the main areas of the shirts and shorts so we are spared the advertising on their backsides. All advertising will be confined, like football, to their sleeves. Seems entirely reasonable to me.

Same applies to cricket and other sports though frankly I’m not that interested in cricket, it’s almost as tedious as tennis, but neither of them quite on the scale of golf.Tedium redefined.

Cooking will be a new item on the curriculum. Like Maths and English it will be compulsory. It will also be called: cooking, not ‘home economics’ or anything where there may be any mistake about what happens. Children will also be taught how to wash up. “You wash, I’ll dry” Will come back into popular parlance as dishwashers will only be available to catering companies. We have one, and it seems to me that one has to wash the dishes before washing the dishes, when all you should need to do is wash the dishes, you dry! Half the contents of the cupboard ( the place for the dozens of mugs and cups ) are in the dishwasher, and the thingy that you need to use to make a dish successfully is also in the dishwasher hanging around to go on a wash later, but you want to use it now. If there were no dishwasher, the thingy would have been washed up after its last outing and be in its rightful place, not hanging out with that half washed dirty mob.

A change to the voting age. Anyone over the age of 65 will no longer have the vote. You’ve voted for years and got it wrong for years so we are taking it away, what are you grumbling about? You’ll still get your pension and a bus pass, but you won’t be responsible any more for the whole shit show. Go and help someone do the washing up, make yourself useful. I’ll be losing the vote with this one, but I’m doing it for the team, and that’s another phrase which will be outlawed.

Reclining seats on aircraft. No, No, No. if you’ve been the victim of this you know exactly what I mean but my rigid upright new law will forever ban the scenario of someone’s head being within snoring distance of your groin.Unseemly is a small word for it. Straight backs will be the norm from now on.

Electric hand driers in public lavatories. The older versions in particular will be banned until they have been upgraded. I think some are repurposed leaf blowers. They make a visit that you’d like to be short unnecessarily lengthy and even then one tends to wipe the residue on the trousers. Most are useless, the early ones like a dog breathing on your palms and the later ones so powerful that they send a fine spray of infected mist over everything within a metre of you.

The phrase : “No but what I will say” Will be expunged from any sort of response to a reasonable question. What it means is that “ I am not going to answer the question but this is what I’m going to force you to listen to”. Sinners will be obliged to spend a weekend listening to Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour on repeat. Cruel. It could be worse? Radio 2 perhaps: Jeremy Vine on repeat. That is most too cruel.

So there you have it, my very own MEGA manifesto. Can I depend on your vote? Well, of course not and after I’m elected I won’t even be allowed to vote for myself, or anyone else for that matter.The only pledge worth anything being that dreadful spray polish and that too will be forever banned.