Too much information. What happens next when you order online.

They send you loads of emails about your parcel that might in years to come descend into gossip.

“We’re expecting your parcel, what have you been buying this time? Our driver Brian can’t wait to see you.If you want to see where Brian is right now, just waste some valuable minutes of your life tapping in this 16 digit number when you go onto our website”

“ Your parcel is with Brian now…

Along with hundreds of others he’s supposed to deliver in one day, he has to drive so fast and run from house to house with his little scanner, so the safe place you suggested which is round the back and under the the patio table, not the big one , but the smaller one in the corner, is unlikely to be his choice. Your doorbell camera is unlikely to register his presence as more than a blur, if he chooses the right house.

“Your parcel is out for delivery”

Brian has managed to squeeze it into his van by giving the parcels a jolly good stomp. Hopefully the packet of inditerniment goo next to your ordered trousers will not leach into your parcel. That strange odour? Who knows? Have you read our three pages of text that constitute our terms and conditions? Make sure you have a magnifying glass.

“Check out when Brian will arrive”

He’s on his way, just tap in that 16 digit number and you will find that it identifies someone else’s parcel at a different address. In which case raise a query with customer support which is Beryl in an office in Wolverhampton. She’s new to the job and is busy memorising the script she’s been given in the unlikely event of anyone getting through to what’s called a ‘Helpline’ The lights on her incoming calls glow like a set of Christmas trees on a pulse light setting, it’s quite effective visually, but otherwise a waste of everybody’s t time.

Brian has delivered your parcel.

In the event of the parcel going missing please go on the website again, not forgetting the 16 digits number and then the additional code ignoring the first three letters, and adding a new code of several more letters and an odd character.

Long pause.

“Please rate Brian’s delivery”

Spend some valuable minutes of your time rating a delivery that never arrived. You’ve looked at a grainy photograph of someone else’s front door and a corner of a parcel of some sort, next to a recycling box, and the rating you give will be completely ignored as Brian has now left the company to work for ‘Shiny Car Wash Special’ as one of its skilled operatives. With his new job he does at least get home at a reasonable hour but his hands are so sore that they glow in the dark.