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Building blokes…

It’s expected of men to be able to use a power tool as if they have a degree in advanced woodworking when the only skills you might have are being able to draw a relatively straight line.

I’ve put up shelves, and the effort and result nearly gave me a nervous breakdown. I always claimed to my wife, who said they were not straight, that they were ‘visually straight’, which means they were n’t straight. I’ve even been known to try my hand at bricklaying though it was only in the garden. It was something that I found extremely satisfying but in the end a little frustrating as it took me forever and within a couple of years the resulting small garden wall looked like wobbly wreck. Thank God, n0 one ever let me near a proper building.

The other thing about DIY is the ‘fear of blokes who do this for a living, who serve in builder’s merchants’. These are not the spotty ‘oiks’ who serve in what are called DIY Superstores and generally know even less than you do about DIY. No, these are the really intimidating blokes that work in the places where real builders get their stuff. They spray the air in these places with testosterone, so you’d better puff your chest out to maximum when entering.

They can spot you from a mile off as you tread carefully through the door. Your lack of apparent tattoos might have given them a clue to your inadequacies. They might call you ‘mate’, and when you refuse to join in this banter by calling them ‘bud’, they know they have you ‘bang to rights’.

They can then sell you almost anything at almost any price or they’ll simply say: “You’d be better off using the T698 version, it’s easier to work and takes less time to cure”. Naturally you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about but you’d be very foolish to admit as much.

In any event the product you need will always be ‘out of stock’Sportsdiyshelf400sf until next Wednesday….mate!

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. I wonder if this may have been inspired by my poem Hypotenuseless Harry. In any case, they always try to get you!

    January 6, 2016
  2. Spot on Paul. Speaking as the veteran of many a DIY disaster! Regards Thom.

    January 6, 2016
  3. As someone who has involuntarily had to keep sevral houses together, one after a big fire, I learned many new things. but the most important was DON’T TEAR OUT ANYTHING YOU CAN COVER UP.

    January 6, 2016
  4. Oh, and something many wives don’t understand: any even seemingly simple repair will take at least three trips to the hardware store

    January 6, 2016
  5. Michael #

    There is a land where the blokes who work in builder’s merchants are happy to help a novice. A land where they won’t intimidate you and it’s just as likely to be a woman with the tool belt on. A land where the birds call sweetly and the sun glints on the snowy mountain tops through polished sky…

    January 11, 2016

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