Paul: Rolls-Royce, Barclays UK, and Mayku are looking for candidates like you.

This is copied from another of those social media places that I’m signed up to. Linked in to be exact. So Rolls Royce are looking for a seventy year old cartoonist, brilliant. I suppose after the banking crisis then Barclay’s too might need a bit of cheering up, and as for Mayku? Well with a name like that you could n’t really make it up could you? Or did some genius in the branding department say in his briefing: ” We need an new name for this company, and we sort of make things for people ( and they do! but not quite as simple as that, take a look at their site Mayku site it’s really fascinating and at least the email to me prompted me to have a peek ) Then someone suggested: Mayku. All those around the table looked at each other thinking this was possibly the naffest name they had ever heard, but when the person in charge said ” Brilliant” there was much nodding of heads and mutters of ” Cool” and “Interesting” ( A word many use for absolutely crap. )

I’m tempted to aply for the jobs they have directed me to, but I may have to be a bit creative about myself to get on the short list. In fact I’d probably have to rebrand myself completely, and lose a few years too. Still if the jobs are in London the bus pass and Senior Railcard will come in very handy.

So that Barclay’s won’t be too disappointed I’m posting this chap from a book I did with my old chum Gordon Thorburn called “Some Missing Persons”. He wrote the golden words. Gordon’s site


missingbankmanager

Bank Manager

The letter was from the Wold Newton and Yangtze Kiang Ship Canal Penny Bank, signed by Nicci Gristhorpe, Valued Client Liaison Supervisor (Non Internet). It said:

We are delighted to offer you, Valued Client, our new Platinum Card plus Gold Cards for all your relatives (minimum age two years), and a personal loan facility of £50,000 for any purpose. Projects thus funded for other Valued Clients recently have included a wasp farm, the restoration of a complete set of four early Victorian wooden legs, and an armed uprising in the Dutch Antilles. Call your Personal Banker today. 

Meanwhile, let me take this opportunity of informing you of our restructured range of Valued Client Service Furnishments. Overdrafts – 2% above base rate, compounded daily. Writing letters to offer overdrafts – £50. Responding to requests for overdrafts – £50. Confirming overdrafts by letter – £50. Writing letters to apologise for one of our Habitual Patron Prudence Deliberators mentioning your overdraft in public in a loud voice – £50. Additional charges – £25. Supplementary charges – £12.50. Other maintenance and referral charges – £50.

With the letter scrunched up in his hand, the recipient set off for his branch, expecting to see his bank manager and old friend, Mr Hubert Duvet. Imagine his chagrin when he was greeted, not by Duvet of the black jacket and striped trousers but by a forceful young woman in clunky shoes, a short-skirted pale blue suit and a tight, white, low cut T-shirt. She said “Welcome to the WNYKSCPB? I am your Personal Banker? And you are?”

“I want to see Duvet!” he cried. “He knows who I am. See, that’s my name, on my leather Wold Newton cheque book cover that they gave me thirty years ago, there, in gold blocking, Godfrey Horsforth.”

“Godfrey, Mr Duvet has gone?” said the young woman, not noting the wince her familiarity engendered. “He’s taken early retirement? We are the masters now?”

She showed him to a chair and sat at her desk in the middle of the mauve-carpeted open plan arrangement which had replaced the oak-doored offices since his last visit. “I’d like to explain our continuous review policy of service improvement?” said the WNYKSCPB/PB. “We are making a number of positive pre-adjustments to secondary fiscalate inputs on an on-going basis in order to ensure maximum capability of meeting customer needs?”

Mr Horsforth stood, went to the counter and made arrangements to transfer his all to the Filey Fishermen’s Friendly Society.

It is probable, scientists believe, that a variety of Bank Manager was Small Provincial Town Stockbroker, distinguishing mark being the surname followed by ‘& Co’ engraved on the office window. Owing to extinction, this belief is now impossible to prove either way.


 

 

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