Preparations for the hottest day…

Make sure windows are closed and the blinds fully drawn. Throughout the house so that it feels like the middle of the night in Calcutta.

Cover the greenhouse roof with a large piece of cardboard so the precious cargo within does not get scorched. Fried tomatoes.

Look for a pair of shorts that you think might be in a drawer somewhere or have already been used to clean the car. Don’t worry too much about wearing them as you will spend the majority of the day inside and no one will be subject to your ‘various’ veins.

If you do venture out, wear a hat, but not that woolly flat cap that you actually took to LA once, for crying out loud ( it can get cold there! )

Bear up when faced with the prospect of little chance of a hot dinner and that someone in the locality will fire up a barbecue and do the only cooking he’s done in an entire year by immolating some very cheap sausages. The smell of the accelerant and sausages will cover the area for several hours, but no matter, you’ll be inside.

Watch as your water bill soars as you try to keep some plants alive. Hosepipe will kink and the thing will turn into a dangerous snake and spray everything but the plants, you included.

Do a bit of drawing in the dark but don’t bother keeping it as it will have sweaty palm prints all over it.

Make sure the beer is correctly warmed.

Look forward to tomorrow when the temperature will plummet and rain is forecast, and you can then put those shorts away, or clean the car with them.

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