First of all please refer to football as football, not soccer.

Here are a few easy translations from the footy page for you to chew over:

Flat back four
The screws missing from an Ikea self assembly kitchen unit or some sort of magical defensive arrangement, could be both of course when explaining that you could not finish the kitchen due to a missing flat back four.

Over the top
A reckless challenge, a little like asking one’s life partner if she has made that cup of tea yet and what’s keeping her? Or a method that professional footballers have perfected for breaking an opposition footballer’s leg with the added bonus of stud marks.Both meanings can result in injury.

Defensive Wall
Hiding a pork pie wrapper under a copy of the Sun in the recycling. She’ll never find that! Or several players in a line all holding on to the Crown Jewels.

Girlie Football
No, just don’t say that.They won the Euros.

Netting a brace
Scoring two goals. See my last footballing blog.

Losing their shape
Going on a fine night out with a large kebab to finish with all the subsequent high calorie damage, or it could be about disorganisation in the defence of a goal area.

Not staying focussed
Another by product of that fine night out with the kebab and the extra calories and strong beer. Does not require a visit to Specsavers but a long lie in will help.

442
One of those supermarket deals where you get more bananas than you would ever use for the price of two bananas, and you don’t even care for the yellow fruit in any case.

“Put his laces through it”. Kicked it properly, meaning the ball not the opposition

Nutmeg. Grated on custard very nice, or putting the ball through a lanky defenders legs. Worth looking at the goal scored by Russo in the Euros, when the poor unfortunate keeper let the ball through her legs. No one remembers her, poor thing.

Dribble. What happens when one thinks of the prospect of custard. Manoevering a football around an opposition player.

Keepy uppy. Keeping the bouncing ball in the air by any means possible without it hitting the ground of course, silly billy.

Penned a twelve month deal. Signed a twelve month contract, something managers do, but they hold no water.

A Lampard. A look on the face of a football manager when he’s been charged with looking after a team, that’s not a team at all, but a collection of wealthy kids who frankly, could not give a toss. It has a similarity to a slapped arse.