A surfeit of Sportage has brought in a word shortage. What with cricket, a sport that takes days and can easily end in a draw, as well as a huge amount of tennis and now women’s football there has been a massive eruption of cliches. “This can go either way” has been used tirelessly when in fact ‘it’ can go only one way, with the exception of cricket where the phrase: ” a draw might be on the cards’ may well be dropped, as often as a catch.

Try explaining cricket to anyone unfamiliar with the game, and you could get lost for words, sadly not something the commentators ever are, even though it’s a phrase they use when they are lost for words.

Try this:” When the batsman is in, the bowler can get him out if he knock his bails off with a bowl, unless that is a no ball, in which case he stays in, and he scores runs by running backward and forwards between the wickets on the wicket, which is the term for the small area of parched grass that they play on, as well as the collective term for the three round dowels stuck in at each end of the wicket.These wickets are at each end of the grassy area ( also wicket ) and is the target for the bowler, who gets the opportunity to get him out by bowling at these dowels (also called stumps ) which the batsman tries his best to prevent, by hitting the round leather ball. If he hits it hard he gets the runs, unless he hits it really hard, in which case he gets multiple runs, and is not obliged to run to the other end of the wicket. A white coated man at the opposite end of the wicket makes a sign that looks like he’s wiping a kitchen work surface indicated that four runs have been scored and the batsmen can stay where he is, unless he has hit the ball so hard that the ball does not touch the outfield, which is the outside of the field they are playing on, in which case the man in the white coat holds up his hands like he’s surrendering. That indicates that 6 runs have been scored. All very easy to understand.“

The game goes on for hours and is so long that they have a break for tea, possibly the only good thing about cricket.

As for tennis, then two ( or four ) people hitting a fluffy yellow ball at each other so that it become progressively less fluffy, is also infested with cliches. Again the games can go on for hours and we are told that the rows of spectators are enthralled, and ‘cant get enough of this’. I can get enough of it. Here’s a game that at its top level is dominated by very few deeply uninteresting people. They are supported by a huge infrastructure of courts and people who seem to spend all year getting ready for this fortnight. Up until this year they had four people who would stare at a chalky line and looked like retired bank managers and chubby WI ladies who would struggle to read a shopping list, let alone a ball hitting a line at over 100 miles an hour. If it had gone out they would shout out loudly, frightening any small children in the area. They’ve been replaced by technology, but the technology emits the same sound! These very few uninteresting tennis players are given huge amounts of money if they win and have commentators who seem to be on repeat from what they said this time last year. A cliche ban can’t come soon enough.

Then there’s footie. And this year Women’s Football. It has spawned a new set of commentators who seem to have facts about the players stacked up by their side and in the dull bits, spout them out. “Ellie’s first cousin plays for Bristol Rovers and her mother works at Tesco, I hope she’s checking out on her talented daughters skills today ( boom boom ) Ooops Ellie seems to have got herself a red card”

And golf? No, don’t mention golf and I won’t.

Of the three sports, only football does it for me, I don’t watch cricket and avoid tennis, but the football is by far the best, and in some respects this Women’s Football is the very best.

All three suffer from commentators and pundits with a massive surfeit of cliches. Time a ban was put in place, but it could go either way.