For some unknown reason I got a posting on Facebook featuring Jodie Foster, the well known American film actor now an equally, if not more talented director, asking about impossible words to pronounce in French. She is a fluent French speaker.

Now I did ‘O’level French and then got another one when I tried to do the ‘A’ level version, way back in the mists of time. I never got around to doing the reading of all those French classics, like the eternally miserable books by Albert Camus. Wrist slashing stuff. My French is not great despite my being a keen francophile. We’ve taken many holidays there, and I’ve always tried to speak to French people in my version of their language. They understand me in a way that makes me think that I probably sound idiotic, usually with a wan smile if I’m lucky.

My only ‘revenge’ if one can call it that, is their inability to pronounce the word for one of our largest ports of entry into the UK. Ask any native speaking French person who is fluent in English to say: Portsmouth, and they will get it wrong. Guaranteed. Their mouths are not made for it. Even the announcers on Brittany Ferries ships get it wrong, generally saying that ‘ We are approaching Porsmoof…’

I was thinking about this the other day and have devised some simple instructions on how to go about it for the perfect pronunciation.

Address your French volunteer thus: first, try saying the word “Port,” but stretch it without any emphasis on the “t” until the last minute. So start with the word ‘pour’ like in when you pour gravy or custard ( you may well have lost them here already as gravy and custard are foreign to them, and if you mention such a thing as a gravy boat, they will look even more mystified than ever ) To get the right sound for the end, the mouth, do not say ‘mouth’, replace with meth ( as in methylated spirits, if you’ve not lost them now then you really are doing well, do not allow them to ask questions like ‘ What are these spirits?’ ) Then the piece de resistance, tell them to join the two bits togezer. How did they get on? There you go, I told you so. Impossible.

In response, the French have words that even Jodie Foster would struggle with. Their own seaside town of Royan in the South West of France is a perfect example. Seems simple, but we just never get it right. It’s that rolling R.

Incidentally, I suggested some of the above in a comment on the posting, and it was liked,ostentiously by the star herself, but probably by one of her ‘people’, as they say.

Sacred Bloo!

Yes, it’s garlic.