Our latest episode of Nicky Tams the King of Nosepipe,
as told by Gordon Thorburn and illustrated by myself
This is an extremely scary part of the story which must only be read at room temperature.
That night Scary Mary started her spell. As it was to be a spell against the King, she needed one very special ingredient. Without this special ingredient, spells cannot harm Persons of Royal Blood. She needed… Eye of Newt!
She also needed some chocolate mouse-dirt, some fluff that had been blocking up the Hoover, and a bit of that greeny blue fur which you can find at the back of the fridge on a small piece of paté wrapped loosely in aluminium foil. If there is no greeny blue fur, there will be some thick, wrinkled skin on an egg yolk in the bottom of a tea cup. Use that instead.
Magic Words are also required, plus a few more ingredients. The ingredients should not pose a problem but the words might. Please. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, READ THESE WORDS OUT ALOUD, at any temperature. Someone might hear them and shout them out backwards at you. So:
Eye of Newt and Low Fat Spread,
Dead Fleas from the Doggie’s Bed.
Juice of ONE Frog, freshly squeezed,
Hanky Scrapings, freshly sneezed.
Crisps of Cheese and Onion flavour,
Chew it up and never waver.
Curry, past its Best Before date…
Then, taking off one’s slippers and sneaking down the corridor past the sleeping sentry, up the stairs and around the corner to the King’s bedchamber…
In total silence, at the door wait.
This is exactly what Scary Mary did. When she heard the King going to the loo she crept into his room, spat out the spell mixture onto his pillow, and scarpered.
The King came out of his bathroom and got into bed. He put his head on the pillow, took one accidental sniff and leapt back into the bathroom. There, he attempted to remove the spell mixture with his toothbrush.
And that was how they found him the next morning, standing stiff as a board in his pyjamas with his toothbrush up his nose.
Prince Nicky Tams was immediately proclaimed King Nicky Tams The Easily Led, and was shown into the throne room. He ascended the throne. When he’d ascended it and sat down, his feet didn’t reach the floor.
Same time, same place, next week, next episode.
Thanks for dropping by.