The new mode of customer service when you buy on line is to tell you exactly what’s happening, relentlessly. Even when it goes to other people to deliver it.

Text number 1

“ Your parcel is on its way, your driver has it and is about to set off from the depot in a green van at 4 in the morning after a breakfast of toast and Tesco value jam, which is red but has never been near a fruit farm. You will be updated ( your name in here ) regularly on its progress, and be treated like a long lost friend from years ago.

If you have any questions then keep them to yourself as we have given you a sixteen digit tracking number which the driver has input, so there might be a margin of error here”

Text number 2

“ Gary, your driver, has set off and considers you to be a long lost friend, he will be with you at around ( time in here) DONT GO OUT.

He will need to take a photograph of you holding your parcel at your doorway. Have your birth certificate with you for him to see in addition to your inside leg measurement.

If you are in postcode area ( put in any postcode area here ) your parcel will be delivered by one of our trusted partners”.

It will then go into a black hole.

Text 3

Hi there ( your first name here)

This is from ( any random delivery service in here ) we have got your parcel and it has been transferried to Wendy, who is carefully packing it with love and care into the nether regions of her van for delivery to you. We will text again with an ETA and with an 18 digit tracking number.

Wendy’s mum says ‘Hi’.

Text 4

You are number 131 on Wendy’s delivery schedule. You will receive a text when she gets a window of unlikely opportunity to advise you when this delivery will be made. In the unlikely event of anything happening she will text you again, but please bear in mind that she has two kids in nursery and works a twelve hour day, her mother looks after the kids on some days and if you are lucky enough to have chosen one of these days you may well get your parcel earlier.

DONT GO OUT

Text 5

You’re next.

Be ready for your delivery.

Your parcel will be arriving in the next ten minutes.

DONT GO OUT

You will have a nano second to reach the door and take delivery of your parcel. If you are not present in this nano second then it will be returned to us and your local depot which is a half hour drive, hour and a half bus ride, from your home. You can collect it from there as long as you have the correct identifying documents and it is between the hours of 10 and 11 on a Thursday.

You must have a 20 digit OMG number to collect. You can find this on our website here ( broken link)

Text 6

Your parcel has been delivered

It has not, well , not to you.

Text 6

Hi ( your first name here, in a teeth clenching familiar way )

We understand you claim that we have not delivered your parcel 18 digit number here. We have a fuzzy picture of a doorway with a barking dog baring it’s teeth at our driver Wendy and the shadow of someone trying to control aforementioned dog wearing a fetching padded housecoat. Are you sure this is not you?

This is now logged as case 18 digit case number here and will be looked into as soon as possible. If your goods were perishable then you are advised that it will have perished by now.

Wendy’s mum says hello.

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You might think the above is far fetched. A recent order I made on line for some nice warm vests is still in the black void that is MandS online shopping, likely to arrive at this rate when the weather is baking.

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