Starting today and publishing every week at around this time. This series is written by my chum Gordon Thorburn, a worthy fellow with big writers credentials. It is illustrated here by myself.
You can see more of what Mr Thorburn does to earn a crust right by clicking on the link, before you do, be warned, it involves sheds and bombers: The Writer Fellow
“Life was never like this.”
“Oh yes it was.”
“No, no, come on, it wasn’t.”
Nicky Tams, King of Nosepipe
& THE BATTLE OF SCARBOROUGH
King Nicholas, the Original Nicky Tams
Queen Scary Mary
Olden Days battles? We probably know Hastings, Trafalgar, Waterloo and maybe Killiekrankie. So have we forgotten, actually forgotten, the greatest battle of them all?
In the Olden Days there was a country called Nosepipe. The Kings of Nosepipe were always called Nicky Tams.
On the Olden Day we’re talking about, the King of Nosepipe was Nicky Tams The Muscular, as opposed to Nicky Tams The Fifth or Nicky Tams The Lionheart. You also had Nicky Tams The Cleans Round The Back Of His Neck, and Nicky Tams The Always Does His Shoelaces Up.
Not that every King was such a goody-goody. In the long history of Nosepipe there had also been Nicky Tams The Fat Pig and Nicky Tams The Shoots His Blackheads Across The Room.
The first one, actually, was King Nicholas The Rat Up Your Leg, who knew that the Scottish words ‘nicky tams’ mean the pieces of string tied around your trousers below the knee. So he made it illegal for anybody except him to have these rat-preventing pieces of string, and changed his name accordingly.
King Nicky Tams, The Muscular
Anyway, back to our Olden Day. King Nicky Tams The Muscular had been on the throne for quite a while and, by applying his muscles, had managed to get things pretty well sorted out. The summers were always hot, the winters were always cold, Pancake Tuesday fell on the same day every year and all vegetables, even spinach and sprouts, tasted so nice that you didn’t mind eating them.
The one cloud on his horizon was his wife, or Queen as they call them. She had originally come from Scarborough, which is a bracing seaside place in another country called Ang Gonnasec. As such, coming from Scarborough, she had been expected to turn out well, but she didn’t.
Scary Mary from Scarborough Dairy had been the star of the Nosepipe Royal Wedding but things went downhill after that.
Come back next week same time for more of the same saga.
Thanks for dropping by.