Part two of the new story by Gordon Thorburn, published here every week until it comes to a grisly end, or otherwise.
How to get rid of a Wicked Wife.
You can get rid of a cold, but can you get rid of it for good?
Scary Mary had a very strange sense of humour and was highly skilled at magic. She made such a lot of trouble that the King her husband banished her, which means to be sent away from the country you live in and never be allowed back.
Unfortunately she wouldn’t go and, at first, it seemed that they couldn’t make her. Then King Nicky Tams The Muscular had an idea.
He went to see all the people in Nosepipe who had a loud voice and promised them a Brass Farthing each (Olden Days currency) if they would help him. Or, if they wouldn’t, he promised them being fed backwards through a rusty bacon slicer.
The Muscular King was an ace at diplomacy, as you can see, and soon the pick of the people with loud voices were gathered, in complete silence, outside the Wicked Queen’s bedchamber. They listened, in fear and trembling, as Scary Mary cast a magic spell.
It happened to be one she was putting on a football team called Inverness Caledonian Thistle, which had lost four-nil at home when the Queen had them down on the pools for a score draw.
The loud-voiced people listened very carefully as the Wicked Queen cast her spell.
Invercally Thistle men
Every match you’ll lose by ten.
Two left feet is each your lot,
Every back-pass like a shot.
Never ever clean your teeth,
Or you’ll be sold to Cowdenbeath!
When the spell finished, the King gave a sign and all the loud-voiced people shouted out exactly the same spell, which they’d just learned by listening carefully, except they did it back to front.
Inside her bedchamber, Scary Mary’s feet instantly began doing dribbles and sidesteps and big hoofers down the middle, faster and faster. Then she did a simultaneous two-legged overhead bicycle kick and got her ankles in a knot behind her head.
The King’s soldiers carried her to the top of the highest mountain in Nosepipe, which was on the border with Abrascabradovia. Abrascabradovia was where the ghastly Scabbies lived, who never washed their feet. They used the little black bits from between their toes as money.
Laughing, the Nosepipe soldiers bowled Scary Mary down the other side of the mountain like a hoop and watched her accelerate towards Abrascabradovia, never to be seen again.
Here again, next week, don’t miss it!