It’s not like Botox but has the same sort of effect in bringing on an impressionless face. It is , of course, the way some people talk about art, and that art can be anything.

Here are some useful tips and words that should be used. Drop them into the conversation, and people will soon give you that look that suggests they don’t know what you’re talking about, but- and this is key- they will counter with their own bollox.

I recently saw what is always described as a ‘piece’, and this is a key word. Art is never described as what it is, like a canvas, a drawing, a sculpture or ( heaven forefend ) a sketch. The latter being rather a dark and subtle insult to the artist. Dark and subtle: two useful words to put in the art bollox repertoire, as is repertoire because it sounds slightly French. In fact, if one speaks art bollox with a convincing Parisian accent to your English, you will have enhanced your bollox.

I digress, the piece in question looked like a child’s rather crude plasticine model of a knife stuck into a lump of goo. The fact that it was within the environs of the Royal College of Art gave it a respectability it did not deserve and brought out a stream of art bollox. Anywhere else and it would have gone back in the plasticine bin for the little ones to have another go, and ‘perhaps next time Henry you could try doing a model train or a car, instead of a knife’

Vital words. Juxtapose. Drop this into a sentence, and fluency in the language will surely follow. ‘Challenging perceptions’-that’s a good description to get in there. Whatever you say, don’t ever say, ever, “I just don’t get it.”

Worldview: good one. Mix it in there. It’s a bit left of field, yes, good, but put a rider on it, like I’d put a rider on it. Never use this when referring to an image or sculpture of a horse. Crass! Yes it is, but crass is a fine criticism that can be usefully sprinkled in there. Like: “I find it all a little too crass for my liking”, it’s a stinging criticism juxtaposed with a theatrical sweep of the hand. (See what I did there? Juxtapose dropped in to give it depth and absolutely no meaning; you can be sure no one will challenge you )

Challenging? Good bollox.

Words referring to colours can be useful, but never use the simple names like red, yellow, blue, which are primary but secondary. Use of paint names can be helpful, but not in the style of Farrow and Ball paint titles; others may see through that. Saying a colour looks like drying plaster or has the feel of drying plaster is an FB error. Reflection of the polychromatic values? Good, but follow up that nodding-head phrase with a mutter of ‘truly brilliant’ or, even better ‘, masterful’, or go for broke, use both.

Sprinkle a little ‘francais’ on your bollox. Always sounds better.

Bonne chance!